


Wind of Freedom

by saucyminx



Series: Freedom Verse [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-07-23
Updated: 2009-07-23
Packaged: 2017-10-28 11:34:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/307455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saucyminx/pseuds/saucyminx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam's gone to Stanford. Dean buys a laptop and digital cameras for them both so they can stay in touch.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**From:** dean.win1979@gmail.com  
 **To:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** why Dean is the best brother in the world

Sammy,

Is this you? How do I know this is you? What’s the code word?I hate this machine I bought. Your laptop is better. Dad’s been a bitchy piece of fuck since you left. Thanks for that. About all that - you know - the shit hitting the fan. We good?

I mailed you a digital camera. And I think I have put two photos on here…on the email. If not- screw it – they weren’t that good anyway.

Dean (I am awesome!)

***********

 **From:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu

 **To:** dean.win1979@gmail.com

 **Subject:** Why Sam is a thousand times better than Dean

 

Dean,

 

Don’t call me Sammy and yes of course it’s me. How many Samuel Winchester do you think attend Stanford? Do we really need a code word? Oh and welcome to the 21st Century, feel free to help yourself to internet porn and never tell me about it. We’re fine, and let’s not talk about Dad right now.

 

I got the camera, thanks. It’s actually decent so I’m assuming you asked a sales associate for help. I attached (that’s the word for “putting photos here”) a picture of my dorm room. It’s cramped and my roommate smells like ass but he’s hardly here so it’s okay. And on the subject of asses, what’s with the picture of you dude? Seriously.

 

So, what are you working on now?

 

Sam (who’s not nearly as conceited as his older brother)

 

***********

 

 **From:** dean.win1979@gmail.com

 **To:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu

 **Subject:** Sammy sAmmy SAmmy Sammy

 

Sammy,

 

Room looks good -we stayed in much worse. Dad and I are in Chicago, dream job - it's a haunted pub called the red lion. it's on the internet but you can find it yourself cause i can't figure out how to stick it in here. Anyway... was a poltergeist. Dad got banged up pretty bad and I got smacked up the side of the head by a bread box. Who has a bread box in a pub? Beer...there should be just lots of beer in a pub. Yes, I am drunk. poltergeist is gone - dad is sleeping-or unconscious - not sure which - either way he's quiet. i have a headache. wait - i just read you email again bitch - I picked out the cameras by myself!!

 

you should phone him. he won't call you.

 

Dean

 

here's the attachy thing

 

 

***********

 

 **From:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu

 **To:** dean.win1979@gmail.com

 **Subject:** Drunk emails? Seriously?

 

Dean,

 

Bread box? For the record I reserve the right to mock you about that for the rest of our lives. Believe it or not, some pubs actually serve food, it’s generally what makes the difference between an average bar and a pub. I’m surprised you didn’t know that, considering your love for food.

 

Classes are going great by the way, thank you _so_ much for asking. I’m mostly in the gen ed stuff. It’s a little odd to know I won’t be just up and disappearing from this school the next time Dad comes around. It’s nice too. I’ve made some friends and I actually have things to talk about that don’t involve the words poltergeist or demon.

 

Do you honestly think I haven’t tried to call Dad at least once since I left? Can’t be blamed if he won’t answer.

 

Sam

 

P.S. – It’s Sam. Come on, there’s a girl name Sammy in my English class.

***********

 

 **From:** dean.win1979@gmail.com

 **To:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu

 **Subject:** Drunk emails are the best way to talk - i can deny anything

 

Sammy,

It's been quiet for a few days. Dad and I are staying with Bobby. He asked after you - wants to know what "That boy's learnin'." Hopefully, better English than Bobby. (If you tell him I said THAT I'LL KILL YOU. HOW DID I ... oh..ok. New key! caps lock! So - it's nice here, working on my baby and Bobby makes good coffee, get drunk in the evenings. Every evening actually. It makes Dad nicer if I'm drunk. I'm tired Sammy.

Sammy suits you - you're much more than 50% girl dude. I've seen the tears and had the Sam cuddles. GIRL. Got it written all over you. And you smell good too - Guys don't smell good. Not that I noticed, about you, or other guys. whatever.

Sometimes, I wish I was more like you - you know - could talk about stuff.

Dad must have missed your call. Did you really call him?

Met any hot chicks? What DO you talk about now?

I stink - I'm gonna shower.

Dean

P.S. Dad found the camera - the way he aimed this I'm surprised he can shoot as well as he does.

*********

 

 **From:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu

 **To:** dean.win1979@gmail.com

 **Subject:** Good to know my big brother smells men often

 

Dean,

 

Tell Bobby hi for me and that I’m learning the important life lessons, like how to win at beer pong and never to drink more then five bottles of Mad Dog 20/20 in one night, no matter how sweet it tastes. And with my improving English comes the wisdom to store your insult of Bobby for later black mail purposes.

 

You probably don’t care but I think you being tired probably goes hand in hand with the drinking every night. You want to learn to talk? Start with why you think getting drunk every night is a wise idea. And why you think I would lie about calling Dad.

 

I’ve met several girls and all of them would very much argue against your logic for my supposed lack of masculinity. In fact we have long stimulating conversations proving just that. You only wish you could smell as good as me.

 

Are you going to be with Bobby over Thanksgiving? Having some pie?

 

SAM See how I did that? The caps lock thing is like yelling, so imagine me doing that.

 

P.S. – The fact that Dad even knows how to work a digital camera impresses me.

 

P.P.S. – My hair has grown, I think I’ll keep it like this, what do you think?

 

 

***********

 

 **From:** dean.win1979@gmail.com

 **To:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu

 **Subject:** I didn't say I was drunk every night. Did I? If I did I deny it.

 

Sam,

Beer bong - that's my boy Sammy! sorry that slipped out.

1\. you need a haircut  
2\. black mail me I _beat_ your ass. (Check THAT out italics)  
3\. several girls? Dude! I knew you were a Winchester? You keepin' a little black book now? Who was the best? Did they all put out?  
4\. bobby's for thanksgiving - gonna come stay? be good for dad to see you - please?  
5\. not drinking tonight, yet, don't go all interventiony on me. Sometimes shit happens.  
6\. miss ya  
7\. if i say "yes Sir" one more time today - I'll - fuck - i dunno  
8\. didn't mean ya lied about calling dad - you think he just wouldn't pick up?  
9\. do you ever feel sorry for 9 cause it's after 8 and before 10?  
10\. I got nothin. But 10 seemed kind of important. oh yeah - and Dad's not an idiot ya know. Who taught you how to shoot? clean a gun? latin? Don't be so critical.

Dean

P.S. impala is running perfect. dunno what to do next. build a house?

P.P.S. Wtf does P.S. mean?

P.P.S.S. attachMENT here. See? I look sober as a judge.

*****

 **From:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu

 **To:** dean.win1979@gmail.com

 **Subject:** This email is far too serious for anyone’s good

 

Dean,

 

First off, I like my hair just the way it is. All the girls seem to like it too and no, there is no putting out and we’re really not discussing my sex life. I’m sort of seeing this one girl but… I don’t know, it’s too soon to make it official. We were never really around somewhere long enough for me to know how to date you know? Plus I just… there’s this other thing. It’s stupid.

 

I can’t afford a trip for Thanksgiving, sorry. I’d like to see both you and Bobby. And Dad. I miss you too. Stanford is great, and classes are great but people can be so fake here. It’s not the same without you around. And why the hell have you been saying “Yes Sir”? Anyways, maybe you could swing by sometime? A weekend or something? I could let you know when my roomie will be out of town and you can stay here.

 

And for the record, you taught me how to shoot. While Dad may have taught you a lot of things he left it up to you to pass the knowledge along to me.

 

Sam

 

P.S. – It stands for Postscript.

 

P.P.S. – One of my friends took this shot the other night. You can show dad to prove how happy being here makes me.

 

**********

 **From:** dean.win1979@gmail.com

 **To:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu

 **Subject:** i kinda wanted to think you weren't THAT happy away from ...us

 

Sam

Went to see a fight tonight at the bar. got into it with some asshole afterward. stupid. my jaw aches but i bet his jaw aches more.

What other thing? what's stupid? spill it Sammy. Don't get all emo and hide shit.

Listen man, I'm glad you have friends. I've never really - well - other than you - I've never really done that. Smile looks good on you. I'm glad you got the life you wanted Sammy, I really am. Just wish things could have been different.

I could come down next month - you think your roommate will be away at all? But I dunno - maybe it's not such a good idea. Seems like things are going pretty good for you. I don't want to screw that up.

just took this pic. thought you might proof of how happy being _here_ makes me - check out the pink rack in the background. nice art in this motel. OH yeah,, dude sorry I can't think straight - the yes sir thing - Dad and I don't always see eye to eye - I know you think we do.

Dean

**********

 **From:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu

 **To:** dean.win1979@gmail.com

 **Subject:** Maybe you don’t speak Sam?

 

Dean,

 

Before I forget, I watched ‘Village of the Damned’ last weekend – the one with Christopher Reeves and Kristie Alley? – and I fell asleep about 3/4ths of the way through. So do you know how it ends? It was on TV and I wanted to know if those creepy kids massacred the town or whatever.

 

I’m not emo. There’s a difference between being emo and keeping things to one’s self. The other thing, it’s just… I might like someone else so I’m not sure I want to get involve with this girl you know? Because as awesome as it may seem to have friends, it’s not always. Sometimes things happen to remind me of us, our childhood I mean. Like that one time Dad left us in Estes Park, CO and we snuck out to ride those super slides on those little carpet things? Remember how you bought that stupid little disposable camera then bet those kids we could race to the bottom faster than them and won like, $10? I found a couple of those pictures in my stuff the other day…

 

Please come down next month. Mike – the roomie – will be gone during the third weekend. The 17th? You could stay a few days. We could get some drinks and I’d introduce you to a few of my friends. And no Dean, you aren’t allowed to hit on the college girls, especially my friends.

 

Sam

 

P.S. – You can’t do _anything_ straight. Did you really think I’d let that one slide?

 

*********

 

 **From:** dean.win1979@gmail.com

 **To:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu

 **Subject:** I never spoke Sam? ouch.

 

Sammy,

They all die at the end - in a big freaking explosion. The guy - Chris Reeves envisions a brick wall so the demented little kid/creatures can't see what he is planning and he blows them all up. Very touching - how did you fall asleep during that?

So what's the girl like? And the other girl you like? tell me about both of them - maybe I can help you work it out - you know - choose one. I know you think I'm an ass but I'm not always. I miss 8 year old Sammy - he thought the sun shone out of my ass and I could do no wrong.

Course I remember the park. You laughed so much - it was awesome. I don't even remember having a camera. I must be getting old - either that or I've been hit by too many bread boxes. Left Bobby's this week - glad to be moving on. Dad' gets really restless then starts bitchin' at me about everything, YOU included. I love how everything YOU do is my fault. Awesome.

Don't know about the 17th. Have to check with Dad....see what he's got going on. He was talkin about some hunt while we were driving today. Sometimes, I get real tired of this shit ya know? I wonder what it would be like to have a place somewhere, a real home, some grass to cut, dishes to do, be in the same place for more than ten days straight. Guess you have some of that now. Hope these girls know how lucky they are. You're a good one Sammy.

Sorry no pics tonight - don't know where I put the camera. Don't look my usually pretty self anyway.

Dean

P.S. I read a book.

**********

 **From:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu

 **To:** dean.win1979@gmail.com

 **Subject:** You spoke Sam once, I can teach you how to again

 

Dean,

 

Wow, so maybe I’ll watch the end of that movie? I spent most of the night before writing an essay from hell so I was pretty out of it when it caught my attention. I could rent it. We could watch it if you come? I’d really hope you can. I’m sure Dad can spare you for a few days, just don’t… I don’t want him to come okay? Just you. I want to see you. I mean, it’s been forever right? Or the longest we’ve ever been apart so it feels like forever.

 

The two people I like are pretty polar opposites. One’s blond, the other brunette. Long hair, short hair. Smart and a tad shy, and well… still smart but not shy in the slightest. I’m not sure you can help me here, it’s just one of those things I’ve got to work out on my own. I’ll get over the non-blond and then I’m sure I’ll be better. And 19 year old Sammy is wise enough to know its okay to do wrong and it’s not always best to have the sun shining out of your ass.

 

You know you could do that right? Have a real home with grass and dirty dishes and everything? Nothing’s stopping you. Hell you could even come out here, rent a place or something. I did it right? You’re 23 years old Dean, you don’t have to take his shit no matter what its about. Especially if it’s about me. Just leave, do your own thing. Dad handled things just fine when we were younger so he doesn’t need you now and maybe there’s someone out there who does.

 

What book did you read? I’m immensely proud.

 

Sam

 

P.S. – So what do you think about the potential ‘stache? It’s going to look good on me right?

 

*********

 **From:** dean.win1979@gmail.com

 **To:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu

 **Subject:** Never trust a blonde Sammy - go for the brunette

 

Sammy,

I read "Dead Eye Dick" by Vonnegut. Love that dude.Great book - always a little weird though. I read quite a bit ya know. Just - no one ever asks _me_ what i'm reading.

Lose the stache - you look like a porn star. Trust me. I know this.

As for the girls Sam - trust your heart..you got a big one - which one feels right? Don't let your brain talk you out of what your heart knows is right. If you EVER tell anyone I wrote that - you're dead.

Can't leave Dad Sammy - besides...there's no one else who needs me. Just him. It's my own fault - I chose to stick with Dad - it's just the way things are.

I will try to get there Sam. Will call you when i'm close to town if I make it.

how can anyone resist this face I ask you!

Dean

*********

 **From:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu

 **To:** dean.win1979@gmail.com

 **Subject:** The brunette is pretty unattainable

 

Dean,

 

So I know you just called, and I know you're probably only an hour or so from here but I didn't think I'd remember to say any of the things on my mind once you're here, thus, email.

 

Stache is gone, too itchy. And you can talk to me about any book you read at any time. Even if the book involves a mostly twisted family and a guy who's not anything like you so I hope you don't think that. because you kill the evil in the world Dean, and you didn't kill anyone when you were twelve.

 

Look I'm glad you're coming. I think you need a trip away from Dad, you're not stuck with him, I wish you would see that. And I happen to know for a fact that there's at least one person out there who needs you, maybe you just don't know it right?

 

I've got to clean this place up so you can at least see the floor. No picture, I don't have the energy to find a good one.

 

See you soon I guess.

 

Sam

 

***********

 

 **From:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu

 **To:** dean.win1979@gmail.com

 **Subject:** Only assholes leave like that

 

Dean,

 

What the hell dude? I don't want to do this through email but since it seems you won't answer your phone you don't leave me much choice.

 

Look these things happen okay? It's no big deal. It was just a... thing. And we both had a lot to drink and we were just talking about the good old days so you know, we got caught up in the moment. We can just forget about it if you want? I'm fine with that, seriously. Just don't avoid me okay? Answer your phone. Or call me back. Or email, whatever, I'm not picky.

 

I'll talk to you soon okay?

 

Sam

 

P.S. - It was good to see you regardless of what happened okay?

 

************

 

 

*********

 **From:** dean.win1979@gmail.com

 **To:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu

 **Subject:** only assholes do what I did to you. if you hate me? don't ever tell me.

 

Sam - did you have a good Christmas? Happy New Year? Did you ever choose between the blond and the brunette? Dad and I have been working straight through the holidays. Didn't even go to Bobby's. Neither of us wants to have too much time on our hands, I guess.

Dad took this pic - he says I look miserable all the time lately. Didn't know he paid that much attention. By the way - you said a long time ago - there was someone else who needed me - that I just hadn't noticed... you thinking Jo? Ellen? Bobby? Could use something good to think about.

Dean

P.S. I'm gonna say this once Sammy. I'm sorry. The kissing thing, I mean we were both really drunk, you more - and I shouldn't have... I mean - I'm your brother. I should have been lookin' out for you. So ... yeah that's it. It's done. I fucked up - but that's no surprise is it?

**********

 **From:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu

 **To:** dean.win1979@gmail.com

 **Subject:** I don’t hate you. I’d never hate you.

 

Dean,

 

My Christmas sucked, but doesn’t it always? On New Years I got really drunk and made some stupid choices. Oh well, at least it’s done and over with. I’m not surprised you and Dad worked through the holidays.

 

Look, if you haven’t figured out who possibly might need you more then Dad does then I don’t really know what to say… I thought it would have been obvious but I guess I haven’t spelt it out enough.

 

Also I refuse to accept your apology. You weren’t the only one responsible for the kiss. So let’s just… I don’t know. I guess we’ll just pretend it didn’t happen. I’m fine, over it or whatever. See look at my picture, couldn’t be happier.

 

So any interesting cases right now? Um… met any girls?

 

Sam

 

***********

 **From:** dean.win1979@gmail.com

 **To:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** maybe I just wanted you to say it so I knew

Sam,

What did you do on New Year's? you ok? I haven't met any girls - not lookin for one. You do look happy.

Dean

***********

 **From:** dean.win1979@gmail.com

 **To:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** HA!!!! drunkmakes everything better.

Sammy - **freakin** miss you dude. Look Sam I bolded. Dad and I just got back from salting and burning this bastard of a dr. Was trashing his families house -dunno if we ever got the whole story bUT it's done. Went out to bar after - Dad and I talked a bit. I went for a walk afterwards - needed to think.

Dad brought some beer back to the motel - so we drank more wen I got here.. He finally fell asleep so I wanted to talk to you. I was gonna call but i realized what time it was man. it's late. Dad's snoring. i really gotta start insiststing on my own room. do you rememer when you and I always got our own room - that was great. Except for the fact that there was always ONE tv remote - there really should be two one with more authority than the other - just like bros. Hey - do you remember those nightmares you used toh ave? used to wake up with you glommed on to me like a freakin' limpet. So scared. You always thought i could look after to you.

You sure grew up good Sammy.

Took this pic in the ally behind the bar. Thought the light was cool. You know - I was thinkin. I didn't you know - kiss you because I was drunkk. I mean, I did , but not just becaues of that - you know you're a great guy right? when i takl to you i feel like you really hear what i'm sayin. I don't like being away from you sammy. Bobby says you and i are heart and soul - did i tell you that? he looks at me funny sometimes, not funny ha ha, funny like he knows somethign about us that we don't. weird. Anyway - if i was you know - not your brother - i would have kissed you just because your'e hot.

Love ya  
dean

**********

 **From:** dean.win1979@gmail.com

 **To:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** note to self: hide laptop next time going drinking

Sam - I'm really sorry. There needs to be a "get that email back" button.  
Ignore me. I only wish there hadn't been a copy of that email in my sent items folder - forcing me to see what am ass I am.  
jesus

Dean

**********

 **From:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu

 **To:** dean.win1979@gmail.com

 **Subject:** I could disregard your drunk emails but I won’t

 

Dean,

I keep having these dreams where I’m running, endlessly across miles of land. And I always thought I was running from something. Like hunting, or a life solitude on the road. But I don’t know. Maybe I’m just running too something? God I don’t know. Look you said a lot of things and I’m not sure if you meant them.

 

I’m kind of pissed off dude because you can’t keep fucking around with me like this. Drunk kisses and drunk emails confessing your possible gay love for me? Seriously man maybe it’s better if you just… I don’t know take some time to figure this shit out.

 

I should be focused on school. I have friends here and a potential girlfriend and I’ve spent far too longing pining over something that’s not even fucking _right_. And I keep thinking I’ll get over it then you come back and say things like what you said in your stupid ass drunk email.

 

Shit man I just don’t know.

 

Sam

 

***********

 

 **From:** dean.win1979@gmail.com

 **To:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** i know, I suck

Sammy - I'm sorry. Didn't know you had a girlfriend. Never would screw that up for you.  
Love you too much  
Dean

P.S. You're right will leave you alone for a while.

***********


	2. Chapter 2

************************************************************************

 **To:** dean.win1979@gmail.com  
 **From:** Samuel.winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** I didn’t mean disappear permanently

Dean,

Okay, it’s been a couple of weeks and I know I sounded harsh with my last email, I was only a little stressed getting adjusted to my new schedule. Second semester you know? I’m sorry I just went off like that. Can you please just let me know you’re okay? Answer a call or something?

I’m sure they hunting is keeping you busy. I left another message for Dad. Has his number changed? The voicemail didn’t even say it was him, just a digital recording.

Talk to you soon right?

Sam

P.S. – Sorry I missed your birthday. I hope you had a drink in celebration at least.

************************************************************************

 **To:** dean.win1979@gmail.com  
 **From:** Samuel.winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** Three months? Seriously?

Dean,

It’s going to be May in a few weeks. I miss you, why won’t you return my calls or emails? I was lying about the space. I don’t need space okay? I need my brother.

Call me? Email? Please?

Sam

P.S. – When the semester ends I have to move off campus and I’ll loose internet service but I’ll still drop by the library to check my mail okay?

************************************************************************

 **To:** dean.win1979@gmail.com  
 **From:** Samuel.winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** Fine Dean, fuck you too

Dean,

You’re an asshole. Can’t even spare a minute to let me know you’re at least alive? Fine. I don’t care anyways.

Obviously you don’t care but I start my sophomore year tomorrow.

Sam

************************************************************************

 **From:** dean.win1979@gmail.com  
 **To:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** don't you EVER say I don't care. EVER

Sam

I don't know what to say. I don't know how to go back....so I stayed away from you. Didn't want to get in the way. Sorry I missed your birthday. Well, I didn't miss it - Dad and I drank to you and how you got out of the family business. He misses you and I think he's proud of you for doing what you wanted to do...so that's good right?

Sorry you think I'm an asshole. And I'm sorry you don't care if I'm alive anymore -but - here you go - I am alive. Most of me is anyway.

We're off on a hunt tomorrow... something weird up near Seattle. Good luck in school. Hope things go good with your girlfriend. You ever tell her about me and Dad?

Dean

************************************************************************

 **To:** dean.win1979@gmail.com  
 **From:** Samuel.winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** Well you sure have a funny way of showing it

Dean,

You are an asshole but you’re still my brother and I will _always_ care. I was just upset okay? Seven months of not hearing from my big brother tends to get me that way. I don’t even care that you missed my birthday okay? You can’t just do this disappearing act.

And you’re such a stupid idiot. I never said I had a girlfriend. I said _potential_. We’re just friends. I’ve still got this other thing going on.

Please don’t disappear again?

Sam

P.S. - Friend took this in class the other day... working on the computers.

************************************************************************

 **From:** dean.win1979@gmail.com  
 **To:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** sorry - can we just assume all my emails start with Sorry?

Sam

Got a bit laid up in the last hunt. Dad took me in to the hospital, he said I could have died - ranted and raved - you know how it is. As you can see I'm more or less ok now and didn't die. So - don't be mad cause it took me so long to email. Nurse took the pic for me. I'm still pretty sore....broken ribs, punctured lung...the usual. Ain't I pretty? Yeah - that's about it - I should be able to get out of here tomorrow. Chest tubes? don't ever get one.

So - you're got another thing going on? You met another girl? Sounds like you're having a great time. I'm glad. I'm not interested in seeing anyone... I don't think I'm a 'dating' kinda guy ya know? Not much point - I'm never in the same place long enough anyway. I think maybe I had the good one - ya know once - and let it go. So - I think I'm done with that kind of stuff.

Maybe we could see each other before we miss two more birthdays?

Dean

************************************************************************

 **To:** dean.win1979@gmail.com  
 **From:** Samuel.winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** Holy shit dude

Dean! Why the hell isn’t your cell phone on? You can’t send me a picture that makes you look like you’re on your fucking DEATH BED and then NOT answer your fucking phone! What the hell happened? Where was Dad? Why didn’t he help you sooner?!?

I don’t know what it’s going to take to get it through your thick skull. There is no girlfriend. None.

I wish I could come see you but I can’t afford to miss any school, I’ve got core classes this semester. A few of which have the worst teachers ever. But you know I have an off campus place here. Come down. When you feel up to driving? Please – I would very much like to see you.

Get better dude. Take it easy okay? If I was there I’d totally get you the attached thing.

Sam

************************************************************************

 **From:** dean.win1979@gmail.com  
 **To:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** wasn't Dad's fault I'm an idiot

Sammy

Don't blame Dad - i was distracted....was thinking about something...you .. if you wanna blame someone? YOU Sam. Trying to figure out what to do...what will make everything like it was before. Dad says I've lost my edge. Whatever.

Anyways, I'm back at the motel now - had Dad take another pic to prove I'm still alive. Still feel like shit.

And OK - you have no girlfriend. Got it - take it easy. I don't think it's a good idea for me to come down there Sam. You said I needed to sort my shit out and I haven't. I don't know how to ... make this go away. So - I'm going to stay away.

School's okay? you got roomates?

Dean

************************************************************************

 **To:** dean.win1979@gmail.com  
 **From:** Samuel.winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** I may have said a lot of things I didn’t mean

Dean,

You still look like shit but I’m really glad you’re out of the hospital. I was quick to blame Dad but he should have been looking out for you. And you can’t blame me for distracting you. Seriously you’re probably the reason I’m getting a C in my Art History class. There’s just all these naked pictures of… whatever it doesn’t matter.

I don’t want space. I lied, or I’m over it, or whatever. I want to see you. Fuck, I’ll say it, I _need_ to see you. It’s getting too close to a year since the last time and… just, please?

I do have a roommate – Mike, the guy from last year? Anyways he’s going to his family’s for Thanksgiving, you could come down? I’ll cook. Or… hit up the grocery store for premade stuff. Pie included? At least think about it? I’m not above begging.

Sam

P.S. – See how much you need to come down? I’m starting to wear knitted caps! I know what a knitted cap is.

************************************************************************

 **From:** dean.win1979@gmail.com  
 **To:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** knitted caps? is that a University thing? Cause dude...

Sammy,

Ok I will drive down for Thanksgiving but there had better be pie. I'm gonna get a motel room, can you find me somewhere close to your place? Look at me i look human again. Bobby came to visit - said he wanted to make sure I hadn't "gone and killed myself". I kicked his ass at darts. Haven't been drinkin, you'll be glad to know Samantha.

Dean

P.S. will you take it easy on me when I'm there - with the talkin and stuff? I'm not "over it" yet. I'm still tryin.

************************************************************************

 **To:** dean.win1979@gmail.com  
 **From:** Samuel.winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** Oh come on, you thought the knitted cap was hot

Dean,

Don’t be an idiot, stay here. Money is hard enough to come by and I want you to stay here. You can sleep in Mike’s room, or on the couch, if you’d feel more comfortable. I mean, not saying we’d share a bed or anything but you know, we could if you wanted too. I have a queen. But please just stay here?

Look there’s something you should probably know. That “thing” you’re not over… I don’t want you to be over it. Because I’m not. I don’t know if I ever will be. You’re the reason I can’t think of dating anyone. Fuck, you’re all I can think about when I… well you know. You do _know_ right?

So stay here. And we won’t talk if you don’t want to but I want you here.

Sam

P.S. - There will be pie!

************************************************************************

 **From:** dean.win1979@gmail.com  
 **To:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** oh I KNOW

Sam,

I think this is a great example of why I will be staying at a motel. I can hustle pool for some extra money before I head down there. Don't worry bout me kiddo.

I've been sitting here for over 1/2 an hour staring at the screen, wondering what to type. I think maybe you're just confused Sammy, you know, lonely. I mean, I'm lonely so it makes sense to me - I've missed you too. I'm gonna come see you man, I just think it's smart if I stay somewhere else. Dude - I have NO idea what will happen if I sleep there. Have you thought about that??? You think things are fucked up now.

So - yeah.

Love  
Dean

P.S. Dad and I were working a job in an office. I clean up good yeah? Whatcha think of the beard? It's RED dude!

************************************************************************

 **To:** dean.win1979@gmail.com  
 **From:** Samuel.winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** You don’t get to do that

Dean,

So what’s not cool? Me telling you I jack off to thoughts of you and then you sending a picture like that. If you think I have some fucked up thoughts because I’m lonely, then refrain from _teasing_ me. And shave the beard, a clean jaw line is better, much more… likeable.

If you’re not going to stay here for fear of what might happen you might as well not even come. Because, and I’m being honest because I may or may not have just had a few beers but honestly dude. It’s going to take all my restraint to not pin you to the wall and revisit our previous kissing venture that led to this… I could too yo uknow? Pin you to the wall. Have my tongue down your throat before you could even _fucking_ stop me.

You have no idea all the things I want to do to you. The tings I probably will do to you if you come here. Just thinking about it… the point is. You might as well not comme if you’re worried about youre precious innocence or something. because I can’t make any promises bout what will or wont happen.

Sam

P.S. - I'm tempted to send you a really inappropriate pic but I don't want youto kill me via email.

************************************************************************

 **From:** dean.win1979@gmail.com  
 **To:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** ...

I am waiting for the second email to come that says - "GEez Dean I'm sorry I said all that when I was drunk."

Dean

************************************************************************

 **From:** dean.win1979@gmail.com  
 **To:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** Give me a break

Sammy

ok -so there's been no - "I shouldn't have said that" email. I thought you wanted me NOT to drink? I don't even know what to write Sam. You seem to have the idea that this is easy for me. You know what you dick!? It's not. I'm your older brother Sammy. How many times have you heard Dad say "Look out for your little brother Dean", "Watch out for Sammy." And then you write all this shit -that you KNOW I'm thinking. And then you tell me that if I'm worried about doing any of that - if I'm WORRIED about touching my younger brother I should just stay away? Cold.

I was there the first time we kissed Sam. Remember? I felt your hands on me - i still feel them on me. I'm not made of stone Sam. I know this is my fault Sam. I should never have let it happen in the first place...but jesus christ ... your _hands_ were on my ass Sam - and I didn't stop it. Can you honestly say you don't think there's anything wrong with that? 'Cause if you know how to make this "right" I wish you would tell me because I think I have a bleeding ulcer from worrying about it all.

Right now, Sam. I don't know if I should come down there. I'm not saying that to be an asshole. Please don't be mad. Yeah, Sam you could have me up against a wall when I got in the door -because I wouldn't stop you. And, I don't think that's okay. Make it okay. Make it so that I don't have to stay away anymore Sam. What's the magic formula? Cause I miss you so much I can't even breathe sometimes.

For the record - I'm so sober right now it hurts.

Dean

************************************************************************

 **To:** dean.win1979@gmail.com  
 **From:** Samuel.winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** I said exactly what I meant

Dean,

I never asked you to look after me, hell I'm pretty sure I've told you _not_ too more then once in the past. You seem to keep missing the fact that I'M thinking about these things too. You may have some massive guilt or whatever for wanting to touch me but I'd never add to that. I'd never use this against you.

The only reason I told you to not come was because I was hoping you'd turn around and say _fuck it_ , and get your ass here. Where you should be. I don't want you to be made of stone. And it's not your fucking fault! If you were THERE you'd know I kissed you! And yes, _my_ hands were on your ass! Why would you stop me if that's what you wanted? Fuck being wrong! Who the fuck cares? At some point you just have to throw that out and let it happen. Let me touch you, let me _taste_ you.

I'm not going to beg you to come down again. You know where I stand on the issue. You know what I want. If you come here something WILL happen, I will see to that. So maybe I'll see you next week for Thanksgiving.

I do love you, you know?

Sam

************************************************************************

 **From:** dean.win1979@gmail.com  
 **To:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** ok- fuck it

Sammy

I'll be there Tuesday.

Dean

************************************************************************

************************************************************************

 **To:** dean.win1979@gmail.com  
 **From:** Samuel.winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** Just finished my Finals

Dean,

You’re probably off on some outrageous hunt that’s consuming every ounce of your energy until you collapse into bed with exhaustion. I’m assuming that’s the reason I haven’t heard from you in the last few weeks. It’s okay though, I’ve been pretty busy studying for finals. One half of my sophomore year done. Next Semester’s going to be harder, I’ve got a full schedule, but they all seem like pretty fun classes.

So… I’ve been thinking about you every spare second I have. I can still remember the heat of your mouth around me. What it felt like to dig my hands into your hair when you were on your knees between my legs. If I didn’t know better Dean, I’d say you’d done that before. You certainly knew the right way to use your tongue.

When do you think you’ll be able to come down again? This month? Maybe between Christmas and New Years? I got you an awesome Christmas gift. If not now then maybe next month for your birthday? I miss you so fucking much it’s pathetic.

Love you k?

Sam

P.S. – This candy was SO good. I can’t even begin to explain.

 

************************************************************************

 

 **From:** dean.win1979@gmail.com  
 **To:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** how are you the way you are?

Sammy

I can't do this. I can't. I nearly got myself and Dad killed last night - vampire... I just can't even think right anymore. I've never done anything ilke that before Sammy - it's just you - you make me...you make me crazy when I'm there Sammy. The way you smell, the stupid way you laugh, idiotic jokes and that look you get on your face - when... I touch you. Do you know how fucking crazy it makes me that every time I close my eyes I can feel you kissing me again?

And I can't do this. You know that feeling - you get Sam? When you know something is gonna go badly wrong? We can't have this - _I_ can't have this.... it's like something that makes me weak -you know? Something I couldn't live through losing. I'm just not supposed to have something that makes me feel like that... like ... you do.

Can you just be my brother Sammy? I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to be the one who knows what to do.

D.

************************************************************************

 **To:** dean.win1979@gmail.com  
 **From:** Samuel.winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** I can’t even…

You just... Dean do you have any idea what you’ve just done to me? How reading _that_ has affected me? Do you know what you just did?

No, we can’t go back. I can’t just be your brother again. I’m sorry. If you can’t do this then, well that’s that. I wish you the best of luck. I’m sorry I fucked everything up, sorry I pushed it to this limit. It’s not your fault, it’s mine.

Goodbye Dean.

Sam

************************************************************************

 **From:** dean.win1979@gmail.com  
 **To:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** don't be like this

Sam

Answer your fuckin phone.

************************************************************************

 

 **From:** dean.win1979@gmail.com  
 **To:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** talk to me

 

Sam I've been calling all day and half the night - I know you know I'm calling. You never could just sit there and let calls just go to voice mail without checking to see who it was. What don't I know about you?

I can't....fuck I don't even know what to say. You can't do this Sam -you can't just take yourself out of my life. Sam - I don't have shit without you. Don't do this to me.

Sammy?

Please....

************************************************************************

 **From:** dean.win1979@gmail.com  
 **To:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** ....

Sammy - I'm about half way to you...but I can't drive anymore tonight - I almost fell asleep twice at the wheel, nearly hit the ditch once. Dad thinks I'm completely off the deep end -said I had something to do and just left. I think maybe he's right. Either way - I'll be there in the morning. Sammy - you don't know... I ... fuck - I cried half the way here man.. me...Please, please please call be? email me tonight - before I get there.

if you don't email me tonight - I'm going to sit outside your window and email till you do.

I love you.

Dean.

************************************************************************

 **To:** dean.win1979@gmail.com  
 **From:** Samuel.winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** Don’t do this to me

 

Dean,

Don’t come here.

I can’t see you. I’m not ready too. Just… go stay in a hotel for awhile, fuck some random girl and get all the hey wire emotions out of your system.

I don’t think my heart can handle seeing you again. I’ll just want to do things to you that you obviously don’t want. And if something happens you’re just going to freak out on me again. So just… don’t.

Sam

************************************************************************

 **From:** dean.win1979@gmail.com  
 **To:** Samuel.Winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** I won't go away

Sammy - I'm not going anywhere. There's a motel called The Napoleon not far from you. Room #120. I've stayed here before. Right after you moved and ...things weren't good between us. I stayed here for a week...just making sure you were okay. I stayed here right after...we you know... to make sure you were ok. You looked so happy. That was it - I started to think - like what if you're not happy after a few days? What if I can't make you happy. I want you to be happy...have a life.

I never said I didn't want. I want. I want everything, Sam. I will wait here until you feel like you can see me. No more freakin' out Sammy, I promise, whatever you want. I just .. I won't be okay if ... I don't want us not to be... Fuck Sam...please just talk to me - I suck at this writing shit.

Do you remember when you were 11 and you fell over my bike out back and broke your arm? Do you remember how bad I felt because I left my bike laying there. Dad was always telling us not to do that - and you didn't - it was me who got excited one day coming in front high school and dumped my bike. I feel like that now - only way worse.

I called Dad and told him I need to be by myself for a while. Didn't mention you - didn't think you would want me to. He's pretty pissed at me now, we were supposed to be leaving for a job tomorrow. Like you always say Sammy - I'm sure he will be fine by himself.

Will you come and see me soon? I promise no freakin. I'm wearing the shirt you like - the one you said made my eyes look good. You know right before I slugged you.

I was wrong okay Sammy? I can try and be whatever you need. I will try. Isn't that enough.?? You know what I'm like I can't promise something I'm not sure I can give.

Dean

************************************************************************

 **To:** dean.win1979@gmail.com  
 **From:** Samuel.winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** Alright

Dean,

I’m going to hold you to that promise. I’ll come there but only with the understanding that I’m not playing this game anymore. I want _us._ If you do the freaking out thing again that will be the end, I just can’t handle it.

I love you, I always will.

Sam

 

P.S. – If I come there and you’re still wearing that shirt you probably won’t be for long.

************************************************************************

 **To:** b.singer@hotmail.com  
 **From:** Samuel.winchester@stanford.edu  
 **Subject:** The Winchesters!!!

bobby!

Sammy and I are staying put at Stanford for a while. He's sitting here behind me right now - breathing down my neck to make sure I don't say anything stupid. (He doesn't accept that I'm much smarter than him.) We're doing a bit of hunting when we have free time...Sam's busy with school though - he has to work REALLY hard to stay on top of things - it's kinda sad to watch. Is Dad still really pissed at me? We're gonna try and call him later...sometime. Tell him we're good if you see him?

Things are good Bobby, real good. I've got a job workin' with a mechanic for a while... till we move on. I can take care of the car there too...so it's all good.

Samantha want's to talk to you - so i'll sign off now! see you soon Old man!!!

Dean's an ass, but I'm sure we both know that by now. Sorry I've been kind of AWOL for... shit almost two years huh? I promise we'll swing by sometime soon, maybe this summer while school's out. Look, I know you've always seen things through a different light and I don't really know what that is but I just don't want you to worry about us here. Things are good, really good. See look! Picture to prove it.

Sam (not Sammy) and Dean (I looked up how to put a line through shit HAH! I'm awesome -D)

P.S. - Dean's totally lying, I find it easy to stay on top of ALL things!

 


End file.
